Warning Signs:
Venting Is
Not OK
Techniques and therapies like
pillow-punching or primal-screaming are NOT appropriate for
abusers. They tend to reinforce, rather than discourage,
violent behavior. These techniques should not be a part of any
intervention program.
A Call from the Program
A batterer intervention program
should alert you if it is clear from your partner's behavior in
the program that you are in danger. While most programs have
confidentiality policies that prevent them from telling you
specifically what he has discussed in group meetings, they are
obligated to warn you if they believe any immediate danger
exists. If you get a call from them about this, take it
seriously.
Couples Counseling Won't Stop
His Violence
Your partner may try to get you
to go to couples counseling, telling you that you both have a
problem and should work on it together. Couples counseling is
never appropriate when one partner is choosing to use violence
against the other. You do not have a “relationship” problem
that needs to be addressed – he is using violence and coercion
to get what he wants. Couples counseling can only work when
both partners feel free to express their issues, concerns and
desires freely. If one partner exerts power and control over
the other, there is no basis for counseling that is free from
fear and intimidation.
Manipulation
Your partner's abusive behavior
is rooted in a desire to control you, and that pattern isn't
going to change overnight. He may no longer be violent, but he
may still try to exert control by manipulating you into doing
what he wants. Here are some common manipulative behaviors:
Tries to invoke sympathy
from you or family and friends
Is overly charming; reminds
you of all the good times you've had together
Tries to buy you back with
romantic gifts, dinners, flowers, etc.
Tries to seduce you when
you're vulnerable
Uses veiled threats - to
take the kids away, to quit attending the program, to cut off
financial support
His promises to change don't
match his behavior
You may be so hopeful for change
that you want to believe him, even if things don't feel any
different. But trust your instincts. If you don't feel safe,
then chances are you're not.
The Six Big Lies
If you hear your partner making
statements like these while he is in a program, you need to
understand that he is lying to you.
1. "I'm
not the only one with a problem, you have a problem too."
2. "I'm
not as bad as a lot of the other guys in there."
3. "As
soon as I'm done with this program, I'll be cured."
4.
"We need to stay
together to work this out."
5. "If
I weren't under so much stress, I wouldn't have such a short
fuse."
6. "Now
that I'm in this program, you have to be more understanding."
These statements have one thing
in common: they let him off the hook for his choice to use
abusive behavior. Remember, he needs to be willing to accept
responsibility for his violence in order to change.
How Do You Know You're Safe?
If you feel that you will be safer
away from your partner while he is in an intervention program,
you have every right to leave. Even if you leave, you must
understand that his participation in the program is no guarantee
that he will not be a threat to you. The risk that he may be
violent toward you may even increase when you leave. For your
own safety and the safety of your children, watch for these
warning signs in the way he behaves toward you while he is in
the program.
Tries to find you if you've
left. He may try to get information from your family and
friends about your whereabouts, either by threatening them or
trying to get their sympathy.
Tries to get you to come back
to him. He may do anything to get you to come back - if
promising to change and being charming or contrite don't work,
his efforts could then escalate to threats and violence.
Tries to take away the
children. He may try to kidnap the children as a way of
forcing you to stay with him.
Stalks you. If you always
seem to run into him when you are on your way to work, running
errands, or out with your friends, or if you receive lots of
mysterious phone calls, he could be stalking you.
Steps You Can Take To Help Keep
Yourself Safe
If you have any reason to
believe you may be at risk for abuse while your partner is in a
program, there are several things you can do to try to increase
your safety:
Contact Mid-Valley Women's
Crisis Service for assistance.
Contact a legal advocate if
you feel you need help in dealing with threats to take your
children; Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service can provide
referrals.
If you feel comfortable
doing so, contact the program he is in to let them know about
any threatening or potentially threatening behavior.
If you have left him, tell
as few family members and friends as possible where you are. If
they don't know how to find you, they can't be frightened or
manipulated into telling him.
Material
used with permission. Adapted from work by the Texas Council on
Family Violence, Austin, Texas .
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