If your partner has entered an intervention program for
batterers, you're probably hopeful that he will change.
It's important to know that there are no miracle cures for his
violence -- he is the only one who can make the decision to
change. This section will give you information about what
is an appropriate program, what signs to watch for in your
partner, and what to do if you think you may still be in danger
of being abused.
How Do You Know If The Program
Will Work?
There are no
guarantees that any program will work; everything depends on
your partner's motivation and willingness to change. Some
programs are more appropriate than others. Those programs use
the following standards:
Safety is the first priority.
Programs
should always assess your safety when communicating with you. A
program should never disclose information that you have given
them without your permission. A program should not misrepresent
its ability to change his behavior. A program's definition of
success is the quality of your and your children's lives,
starting with safety.
Lasts long enough.
Change takes
time. The longer the program, the more opportunities he will
have to make the choice to change. A year or more in a program
is preferable, although that is not always possible.
Holds him accountable.
The first step
of accountability is that he takes responsibility for choosing
to use violence to maintain power and control over you. A
program should recognize that his behavior is the “problem” and
not allow him to use your behavior as an excuse. Programs should
hold him accountable for attendance, participation, and
complying with the group's rules. (You can get a copy of the
rules by calling the program.)
The curriculum gets to the root
of his belief system.
The content of
the program is set up to challenge his underlying belief system
that he has the right to control, dominate, and abuse you.
Programs that address anger, communication skills, and/or stress
do not get to the root of his belief system.
Makes no demands on you to
participate.
You're not the
one making the choice to be violent, so the program should not
require that you be involved in any way. Don't let anyone lead
you to believe that his progress is dependent upon your
participation.
Is open to your input.
If you
initiate contact with the program to ask questions or give input
you think may be useful, a program should welcome your
participation. This is different from requiring you to
participate. Sometimes, a program may initiate contact with you
to discuss your partner's behavior outside the program. You
should not feel obligated to share information, especially if
you feel it might create a risk of further violence against you.
How Do You Know If He's Really Changing?
Positive signs include:
He has stopped being violent
or threatening to you or others.
He acknowledges that his
abusive behavior is wrong.
He understands that he does
not have the right to control and dominate you.
You don't feel afraid when
you are with him.
He does not coerce you into
having sex when you don't want to.
You can express anger toward
him without feeling intimidated.
He does not make you feel
responsible for his abusive behavior.
He respects your opinion,
even if he doesn't agree with it.
He respects your right to
say "no".
You can negotiate without
being humiliated and belittled by him.
You don't have to ask his
permission to go out, go to school, get a job, or take other
independent actions.
He listens to you and
respects what you have to say.
He communicates honestly and
does not try to manipulate you.
He recognizes that he is not
"cured" and that changing his behavior, attitudes, and beliefs
is a lifelong process.
He no longer does _________
(fill in the blank with any behavior that use to precede his
violence, manipulation, or emotional abuse).
He no longer isolates you
from your family or friends.
He does not blame you for
his behavior.
He no longer emotionally
abuses you.
He no longer calls you
names.
more . . .
Created by
Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service |
