“Somehow You Have to Find Peace in Yourself”

posted in: Sexual Assault | 0

When I was between the ages of 5-12 I was sexually molested by my mother. I was also physically beaten and psychologically abused. She would put me down and say nobody would ever believe me and that if I told anyone that I would die for sure. My mother was a severe drug addict and a neglectful parent who put her addictions and her abusive boyfriends before her children. My siblings and I were in and out of foster care most of our lives. I held in my abuse and didn’t tell a soul until I turned 18. My grandfather and my cousin were the only people I could trust to tell. I knew they would believe me and support me.

It makes it extremely hard to allow others into my life. I feel like all people are a threat to me in some way. I have an even harder time with personal relationships. I do not show affection like most people do.  Because I was sexually abused, I became very sexual and hurt a lot of women through the years because I couldn’t commit to anyone out of fear. I have a really hard time trusting that someone really loves me and isn’t out to hurt me. Often times I look at it as I need to hurt them before they hurt me. I have PTSD not just from the sexual abuse but also from being physically and psychologically abused. I can’t cope with arguments or yelling or anyone that acts like my mother.

I am now in a long term relationship with a very loving and understanding woman who also suffered sexual assault and she is my rock. She stands by my side through everything I have done to push her away. We are parents and we both are very protective of our children especially in public settings. Everyone is a threat to me. But the absolute hardest thing for me is coping with the feeling that I can’t protect my family because I couldn’t even protect myself.

Growing up with that abuse was hard for me to cope with. When I was younger I would lash out on my siblings with aggression. To cope with everything now I take time to myself in a dark room, headphones in my ears, music as loud as I can get it. Somehow you have to find peace in yourself. Everyone needs their personal space; time to break away and fall apart. I can talk to my girl and a few family members about things that are currently on my mind. I also like to help people as much as I can. I have a hard time setting boundaries so my girl steps in when I go overboard. I like to offer advice on subjects I have lived and love to mentor younger people. I am often told that I should attend support groups but I don’t think I am honestly ready for that.

I still love my mother but I will never forgive her for the pain she has caused me. The pain she has caused my family. I don’t feel bad that I can’t forgive her that is the price she has to pay. Knowing what she did was wrong and that there is no excuse for her actions; knowing that I won’t forgive her and that everyone now knows how horrible she was. Despite all of that I will keep on loving her but I will never trust her.

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